Me and my best friend Emily talked yesterday about men.. Surprise surprise...
She told me that I really need to slow down. Which I guess is no surprise. I go through men like underwear. Its not like I sleep w/ all of them. Actually most of them dont even get anywhere close to that. Im a serial dater. I date. And I talk. And I start developing the butterflies. And the "i like him"s. And the txting. And all that stupid bullshit.
So we dug deeper psychologically so that we can figure out why this is happening. I wasn't like that before Ayla. I was skinny, gorgeous, popular, friendly, laid back, etc etc. I felt NO NEED to chase, search, look, NOTHING for boys. That just wasnt an issue. I had them around my fingers and i had whoever i wanted whenever i decided i wanted them. Maybe not COMPLETELY like that. But pretty much.
Then I got w/ Ayla's father. That fucked me up a lot emotionally. So after that... Its been a never ending search to find Ayla a "daddy"... I grew up w/o a father. I had a tough time accepting my step pops because of that. Because in my mind I still had that little light of hope that made me think that MAYBE just MAYBE my father would show up one day and make up for it all. I dont want that for Ayla. I want her to have a father from like the youngest age possible so that she dont feel that loss in her life. So that its a bit easier to bring in step daddy..  I guess thats why I've been dating dudes a lot... I mean I dont feel guilty. Because I dont have any sort of sexual relations w/ them... In the long run I just hurt myself more. Because a dude will have a lot of shit going for him but it wont work out. Or we'll have chemistry, but it wont work out. I just try too hard. That's my problem.. If i continue my "search", I ALONE will be the reason to why my heart aches and hearts and breaks. MY FAULT. I set myself up for failure every time... =/
Disa-fucking-pointment indeed...

On a brighter note. I've decided that I'm going to eat healthy and diet and I'm gonna start looking for a gym. Whether people agree w/ me or not, I myself do not feel good with my looks. I feel gross. I feel fat and unattractive. I dont care if you disagree or if u say that "its whats on the inside that counts" because lets admit it, we all judge. We all laugh. We all talk shit. We all gang up on eachother. And when people get mad, the first things they bring up is the shit that they know will hit a soft spot. We alllll notice shit about eachother AND ourselves. I need to lose weight. I need to tone up. I'm gonna put mederma on my scars and i'm going to work out and take care of my skin and my body. I dont wanna feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I dont wanna feel like if someone looks at me its because i look weird. I wanna feel good.
So thats what i'm going to do..
And also, my renewed sexy body, will make the boys go nuts =] (its good to feel attractive in others eyes). Also, my exs will be jealous and they'll wanna die due to utter stupidity. =] Feel free to hate

Yea just another male-loathing blog. Men needa stop being such assholes. Seriously.

So this dude was tryin to take me out to lunch for  mad long.. I give it some time and i decided that he can take me, the baby, and the friend out to eat at a buffet.. It was nice at first. First him and my friend Emily went and picked their shit and I stayed back w/ Ayla.. Then it was my turn. Came back with a plate of food, sat down, laughed and ate. Then he went up for seconds.
That's when Emily dropped the bomb. According to her, as soon as i walked away, he goes to her and has the NERVE to say "Melina should go to the gym" ... like excuse me?!?!
How the fuck are you gonna say that to one of MY best friends... You're a stupid motherfucker if you think for a SECOND that shes not gonna run and snitch u right the fuck out to me. I was pissed. Immediately, I lost my appetite. I felt offended and hurt. Not to mention humiliated. Like i was gum on a shoe. Or like someone spit in my face. The last time I felt this crushed, hurt, and humiliated was in the 7th grade. When this idiot told me I need slimfast to my FACE. That is such a hurtful thing to say to ANYBODY. Let alone the chick you're TRYING to prove yourself to... I sat there silently for the whole rest of the meal. Didnt even finish my plate. Didnt touch anything. I didnt want to. I felt like the second I found out, I became a 300 lb woman. No longer "thick".. I felt like the weight of his words added to my weight...
I feel terrible. And depressed. I shouldn't. Everyone always tells me I look great..... So who's telling the truth? Thats what I wanna know..  I feel like i should be dieting or excercising or something right now.. i dont even wanna look in the mirror.

Well it really has been a crazy year... More ups and downs then i imagined. Lots of happy times and even more disappointments... 2010 Better be good lol.
Seriously..
I'm looking forward to it. I dont have any resolutions but its ok because I'm never really able to go through w/ them. Soooo I'll just skip that this year.  
But I DO have goals this year. And I will list them for you... Resolutions dont work. But goals have to, right? Considering i have 365 days to go through w/ them.

1. Go to college.
2. Stay in college lol  [the first one is already a check because I start classes in a few weeks]
3. Manage school, work, and Ayla.
4. Stay at least 2 semesters this year.
5. Figure out Photoshop.
6. Be a good mommy
7. Gain more friends
8. Not be so fucking rude.
9. Maintain a DECENT relationship with a GOOD man.
10. Help out someone in need. [my friend is staying w/ us since she got kicked out]
11. Wean Ayla off the pacifier.
12. Potty train Ayla.
13. Figure out what i wanna do in life.
14. Pay my parents for the car so that its MINE! =]
15. Maintain a good relationship w/ my parents [so far so good]
16. Stop smoking. [maybe.. this one is flexible lol]
17. Find a better paying job.
18. Not lose my patience w/ Ayla so often.
19. Become less pessimistic and cynical.
20. Overcome my frequent episodes of deep depression.
21. Perhaps take a vacation?
22. Be a better shopper [i went from being a shopaholic to a "i dont shop much" person. I need to find a happy medium lol]
23. Become a better cook. For the sake of Ayla lol
24. Read more often.
25. Lose a few lbs... or at least do something about this fucking loose skin!
26. Dont let people's opinions effect me as much.
27. Be more responsible.
28. Not be so lazy [ehhhh.. maybe?]
29. Take care of myself.
30. Enjoy myself more...

I'm sure they will change and be added to lol but its a good start